Ajebutter wannabe, Lagos Living

I've been in Lagos now for over a week. The plan was to spend the holidays with family and friends. This holiday has quickly morphed into me performing all manner of errands - house ghel type of work.

 My sister has sold her car which I usually cruise around with. This means all these errands are being done by taxis - Igbese thingz if you know how much the red cab will cost you including overpriced pangolo cabs that are like living skeletons. 

Having reviewed my taxi spendings and almost having a fit, I decided to vex and carry go with a danfo bus - Yes, why not! I ended up paying 100 Naira for a journey that would have cost me 2000 Naira with a regular taxi. I even enjoyed free A/C on third mainland bridge along with all other passengers - Shior. No ajebutter when your ATM card refuse to work in Lagos. This led me to visit my bank at Marina branch only to find that their system was down. After waiting forever and a hot minute, they decided to keep the forms, give me some  money and let me go. I tire for Naija banks

All in all, today has been great, long, tiring and filled with me trawling through Lagos on public transport. It was quite an interesting experience

Interview with a Mugu in Paris

Every now and then, you see a media story about a gullible white woman or man who falls for one of these Nigerian scam emails. You wonder how people can be so stupid to fall for the emails. What you don't expect to happen to you is meet a live Mugu at Paris Charles De Gaulle on her way to Lagos to wed her scammer. My people, that was when I realised that there are PEOPLE in this world.

While sitting on an airfrance flight which had been delayed by close to 6 hrs (story for another day), I found myself talking to the oyinbo lady sitting in front of me.

Me: Hello, where are you heading to ( plane stops at Lagos and heads to port Harcourt.

Oyinbo: I'm going to Lagos to get married to my fiance

At this point, I'm still thinking okay, nothing unusual, internet love dey happen in this our 21st century. I asked a few more questions about America where she's from before I asked the one that my gbeborun mind has been gagging to ask....

Me: So how did you meet you fiance?

(people, please hold on to your seat belts oh)

Oyinbo: well, you see.....I won the lottery. I won $800,000 and my fiance was the one who contacted me about the money. He's been helping me over the past year to get my money out of Nigeria and we fell in love. So, I'm going to Nigeria to get my money and get married

Jesus wept! And I was instantly weak. Oyinbo mugu had paid $8000 already and she hasn't seen one cent back. $8000 in processing fees and to open an account where the money would be paid into. She showed me the card which allegedly comes with the account and people, no such bank exists in Nigeria. Even the card looked dodgy.

At this point, I looked at this middle aged excited naive white woman who was already halfway across the world on her way to getting fleeced in unforgiving Lagos. I didn't even know where to start so, I told her about the whole Naija scam scene. How its common knowledge that there is mo money waiting for people who fall into this trap. Oyinbo woman was quite adamant that this was legit. There was nothing I could have said to move this mountain. So, I gave her my number and we also exchanged emails.

What really tripped me about this story is how strong the woman was in her conviction that she was on her way to claiming $800, 000 even though she didn't play the lottery. In a country where white people are being kidnapped left right and center. With Boko haram also operating with impunity. She jets off to Nigeria still where she plans to marry a man she never met, doesn't know a soul other than the said fiance and claim money she never did a thing to win. The woman has some serious liver if you ask me. I did a silent prayer for her and told her to email me when she's back in the USA.

Not only has one Naija scammer scored, it looks like green card is also assured. God save my country!

Complements of the season… from Lagos

After the terrorists’ attacks in Mumbai, I was sent to the rig shortly after, Discoverer 534 (my most fav rig so far). I went prepared with Xmas cards to give to my most fav people. Funny thing is that most people did not expect this gesture and it was well appreciated. My pastor will say I am sowing seeds.. hehehe.. The job itself was not a very stressful one. Just me and another guy. Very cool dude o. everything was too smooth with enough days as standby. Free money! My oga pulled me out of the rig like say two days before my Naija plane was due to leave Mumbai. I could not make it to Mumbai on the same day so had to spend the night in Rajahmundry.. Kai.. that place is dry sha. A whole Rajahmundry and nothing to do there.. The following day, I had to endure a 4hrs trip to Visakhapatnam aka Vizag to catch the flight leaving from there to Mumbai. I was already having visions of missing the following day’s flight to Lagos. I hadn’t done any kind of shopping and I was going to Naija the following day. The Lord is definitely my strength.

I got to Mumbai late in the evening on Thursday and started putting my things together. Following evening for 7pm, I was on the emirates flight leaving Mumbai for Dubai. I had already scheduled my flight in such a way that I would have a 15hrs layover in Dubai. Emirates had already booked hotel and visa on my behalf. All on the house.. very sweet.

I got to Dubai and first thing I did was call my girl Pink Gloves. Shout out to PG!! You sabi rock my girl. Took a taxi to her place and my girl had enough groove planned for me. From Trader Vicks to some other place that I cannot remember for the life of me. This was after I had sampled her pepper shripme.. that babe can also cook!! PG.. RESPEC o! I did not get back to my hotel room till 3.00am.. just in time to catch a quick nap for check out at 6.30am then straight back to Dubai airport to catch the 9.15am connection to Lagos. That layover is the best connection layover of my life.. hehehe.. enough groove..I shall be laying over more often in Dubai now.

Naija people can pack load sha.. all these market women in Dubai airport with enough cabin baggage that is even more than check in limit. Why now?? Then they will now come and obtain the bin space on top of your seat like say you did not pay for your seat on the plane. Kai.. and then there was the naija man who started to lament at the boarding gate that someone had stolen his passport. Enough drama for my entertainment o.

Na so I enter Lagos.. Lagos Na Wah O! Kai.. From Nepa to Bad Roads to Traffic to everything else.. Lagos is just too Much.. hehehe.. But the things I appreciate about lagos.. The liveliness of the place, the insanity of the place, seeing my family, being able to go to Ibadan for my cousins wedding.. Meeting Pink Gloves a week later in Lagos.. being able to go to saloons anyhow..Grooving on the Island.. anyone heard about 007 bar on the island.. if you never hear.. make you go find am.. and carry enough money with you. Gosh.. enough things that make me home sick for lagos. But I think this lagos is not the kind of place you come to for more than two weeks. Nepa has frustrated me die.. Mosquitoes sef take frustration join. I had a very good xmas. I went to visit family and friends.. everything was jolly.. even the police officers on the road were rather jolly. Greeting me Merry Xmas madam..” wetin you get for us??” (what do you have for us?) It is only in Lagos that the police officers will be greeting you “happy Monday madam” “Happy Tuesday” and Happy everyday of the week.. these guys are hungry!

Lagos and weddings.. people just dey marry anyhow.. even as I dey type.. I got one wedding to go today.. hehehe.. last week Saturday too.. I was at another wedding.. fun fun fun.. Lagos is just too much with all the craziness and all the fun that is there to be had!! If it is not a wedding.. it is a birthday party, if it is not birthday party, it is promotion party, there is sha always one kind of party or the other going on.. I love Lagos for this!

Wishing you all a happy new year in advance!